The actual Miracle of the Complete Cease.
September 23, 2020 Other
If you’ve read my newsletters or emails previously year, you realize I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I wanting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my entire life is a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this signature I intend to remind you and myself to choose the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. Although not anything that feels in this manner also feels effortless.
In reality, over the year since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to guide women entrepreneurs to grow their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Even though I’ve known I’ve been living the path that’s right for me personally – doing the professional work I’m supposed to be doing plus taking care of my children, my home and myself – often I’ve allowed the quantity to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the proper things but way too many of these at once! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that if I decelerate, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will decelerate further. Or more. Or worse.
So around I’ve been practicing living in experience of Spirit, I’ve already been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not ready to see an improved way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about monthly ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy. I chose not to go to a club mitzvah or even a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to look for help. (And gratefully received it!) I did my level best to organize, to make sound and rational choices. Of course, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. They were not working out with ease. I felt out from the flow spotify a course in miracles. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, significantly less than a couple of weeks ahead of the trial was scheduled to start, I heard it was apt to be postponed for at the very least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this really is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To go back phone calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this was all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Ends up I also had strep throat. And then the sinus infection. All I could do, for most, a number of days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took a break from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone permitted to stop. Someone for whom it’s safe to stop. Someone who is able to stop constantly moving, tend only to her needs, and survive it. Simply for a while.
The youngsters understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to bring me food and do a few loads of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle may be the love that inspires them. In this sense anything that originates from love is a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to avoid taking care of everything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Lots of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. Several lovely days on Cape Cod in a fairly inn all by myself.
My fear that if I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I found energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The days were a cloud of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
From this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been thinking of me. After more than a couple of weeks away from business I figured I need to schedule regular, true downtime for myself – possibly even take 2 weeks away from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.